Sometimes things just don't come together. As much as I plan out my days, activities, lessons, some days it just falls apart. Our societies are more and more built upon self-sufficiency. I don't know who started this lie but it is clear: you should be able to figure things out if you work hard enough.
When plans fail, who's to blame?! Me!!
I fall prey to this lie quite often. How do I know? Because when I have a day like the one I am about to describe, I panic and my inner-monologue/negative self talk goes ballistic.
Well, one particular day started like any other... busy. I got the kids ready for school and off they went. Since there are many conferences here in ChiangMai, I had been asked to lead worship. The only problem? It was at a conference center WAY out of town and Mike had the truck... leaving me with the motorbike.
Immediately the gas light began blinking. On no. It was early morning and unlike in the USA, most businesses don't open till 9 or 10 (even gas stations). Panic spread through me and the blame game commenced. "Who last rode the bike? Why oh why did I (or Mike) not add gas yesterday!!" The truth settled in. There was NO WAY I'd make it to the conference site without finding gas.
I set off in the direction of the conference and kept my eyes peeled. The kilometers racked up with no open gas stations. My head started to sweat under the helmet. I kept taking deep breaths and tried to suppress the panic growing within me. Finally I spotted a station. I pulled in and was informed there was "no gas". Um, what?! At first I hoped it was just a translation problem... but nope, they didn't have motorbike gas. The gas station attendant pointed me in the direction of a gas station. Off I went, in the wrong direction, white knuckled, in search of another gas station.
I rode along for a long time, seeing nothing, despite my desperate panic-stricken concentration.
My thoughts went back and forth from prayers for help, to forming different excuses for missing the worship service, to cursing myself for the thoughtlessness of leaving a crucial part of my "plan" undone.
I was trying to serve and this was my reward? Seemed cruel... but it was my own fault right?!
I pulled over and asked a couple kids on a motorbike (who looked about 12 and 14) where to get gas. Thankfully they told me to follow them! Yea!!! We went back the way I had come (meaning I had missed it) and they pointed out a little "self-service" gas pump (see picture above).
Yea!! I did it! I did it! I could still make it on time, preserving my pride and reliability! I waved goodbye to the kids as I put the 100 Baht in the slot and grabbed the pump The kids rounded the bend and went out of sight as I pulled the handle... and nothing happened.
True story.
My happiness evaporated and was immediately replaced with self admonishment. Inner monologue: "What is wrong with this thing? Why can't I do this? There is no gas left in the tank to get anywhere at this point and I have NO IDEA where I am.... ok. breathe. Flag someone down cause you are an idiot."
I must have looked pretty sad cause another nice Thai man stopped and tried to help me. But the truth became obvious- gas station NUMBER 2 had no gas. I thanked the man and sent him on his way. What could he do?
As I was standing there, about to give up, the 2 kids on the bike returned! After getting a friend on the phone to properly translate, they told me they knew of another gas pump up the road and they could make it... I just needed to give them my bike and another 100 Baht.
That's it. Just hand the keys over and hold my breath. That's it. Well, I had zero options left but to trust these kids to help me.
I gave them the key and money and off down the road they went with my bike, my money, and the my last shred of self-sufficiency.
As I sat down in the dirt on the side of the road, I realized I had come to the end of my ability. Not only would I probably be late, I now most likely had my bike stolen. But instead I smiled. I found a peace that happens when you cast your cares upon the One who shoulders the load. Perhaps this is why I love living overseas... I come to this place more often than I would back home.
I smiled. I found my humility and thankfulness on the side of the road, in the middle of nowhere. My quest for self-reliance was a lonely road, full of white knuckles, panic attacks, and frustration. But in the dirt, alone and stranded and late and lost, I was thankful and I made sure God knew it.
3 minutes later, the kids came zipping up the road with smiles on their faces and gas in my tank. I gave 'em a tip and they set off down the road again.
I hopped on the bike- kinda excited that my "road trip" was a much bigger adventure than I originally intended but so blessed that my detour brought me to my knees. I clicked my helmet in place and turned the key.
